the estuary

so, i started seeing a therapist again. i’ve only gone to see alexandra once, but i think she and i are clicking—which is pretty rare, you know. i made the decision to see a therapist for a number of reasons: not knowing what i want to do with my life (my much maligned ‘quarter-life crisis’); procrastination and focus issues; low self-esteem (which is tied to both aforementioned things); etc. but yesterday, when I went to see alexandra, she brought up an interesting observation: …….

…….okay, see, this is what i mean about focus issues: i just distracted myself for 15 minutes, looking at photography websites, and failed to finish a simple fucking thought.

and this leads back to the observation that alexandra had: that i beat myself up a lot, and then proceed to punish myself for my perceived failures. she also said that i’m impatient, and want to see success immediately, but that’s a separate conversation…or maybe an interrelated one…i’m not sure.

but i think she’s totally dead-on. my friend gcp noted this tendency to punish myself before too. i couldn’t get my work done on time (the procrastination issue) and then punished myself by forcing myself to wake up early……..

………and distracted again. this time for 30 minutes. and i’m replicating the procrastination and punishment cycle. i didn’t get any of the mounds of work i need to get done yesterday or today, and i had such a great saturday night planned, with tons of parties to go to, and now, since i didn’t get my work done, i’m punishing myself by not being able to attend. looking like sunday will be fucked too.

during improv class today, anthony, our teacher, told us to try and be in the moment, to live in the scene, rather than trying to predict and guide the scene by living in the future. once i did, i stopped thinking about what people thought about my performance and what i ‘should’ be doing/ saying…and my performance got so much better. i made this witty quip about how my character’s name, Suzie, was just what my mother told me to have people to call me, because people couldn’t pronounce my actual name, Wan Lee. i should apply this to my real life, and stop thinking about what i should be doing, and instead, actually do.

and i was watching a video of tony robbins too (god, that’s embarrassing to admit), and he was talking about how your rituals tell a lot about you—like, if you have a morning ritual of working out 4-6 times a week—it shows in your physique. i think i need more structure and routine in my life, just like my father does. i keep trying to institute them, but i can never seem to stick to them.

okay, i’m focusing on the negative. i need to focus more on the positive.

what am i grateful for? (this is the question i like to ask myself when i feel kind of down) let me list some things:
- the aqua-coloured chair i thieved from work :) it’s the loveliest shade of light turquoise
- the tableau i created of pink peonies, purple lilacs, angel prints, brown wood and marble carvings, and crystal candle holder against my white fireplace mantle—it’s such a picturesque composition
- my improv class. it’s such a great parallel to my life, and teaching me a lot of great lessons.
- the fact that i know i can focus, and that i know i can do good work, and that i know i am smart and capable. i know that i can overcome these challenges, and that i’ll be stronger for it. i was put on this earth for a reason. and i know that i will be able to draw from these experiences for a greater purpose. i will not live an ordinary life, but i will be content with the life i am living.

okay, i think i am ready to get to work. it doesn’t need to be perfect. it just needs to get done.